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Monday, January 6, 2014

Comedy

She woke up before the sun with her husband's eager hands tenderly tracing her thigh up to her hip suggestively. She smiled, rolled over and embraced him lovingly. "Good morning." she whispered as he covered her lips with his.

"Good morning." he responded not leaving her lips for long. He reached down taking the bottom of her night gown and lifting it up.

She sat up to help in his efforts, lifting her arms allowing the gown to slip right off. Suddenly, his expression changed.

"Oh my God, honey! What the hell happened to you?" he cried looking her over.

"What?" she gasped looking down at herself.

"You're covered in scrapes and bruises! What on Earth have you been doing?" he asked now sitting back and looking her over in shock.

"I don't know." she said shrugging it off. "It's just a few bruises." she looked at him and smiled, reaching for him.

He backed away another inch or two. "Just a few?" he asked sarcastically. "Give me a break. That looks awful!" he shook his head. "Look, one here on your shoulder. There's 3 on your hip! Your shins are a train wreck. Your arms look like someones been grabbing you and swinging you around......My gosh!" He sat there staring at her bewildered face.

She had no idea what to say. She didn't remember any specific incident. "I'm sorry, I don't know how they came about." she shrugged.

He backed away and got up pulling a pair of jeans on.

"Oh, come on!" she whined.

"No way! I might break you!" He sniffed and headed down the hall.

She reluctantly got out of bed. Stretching her arms out, she yawned as she began to walk into the bathroom. The yawn was a good one and it made her close her eyes tightly as she walked.

*BANG*......"Ayoy!" she yelped. When she opened her eyes she realized she had run into the door frame. She rubbed her shoulder.

"Are you okay?" her husband called from down the hall.

"Yeah, yeah." she mumbled making her way into the bathroom and closing the door. Shaking her head she dropped her night gown on the floor and started the shower. Scratching her head and briefly glancing at her shin she mocked her husband under her breath, "Your shins look like a train wreck." in a snide voice.

She rolled her eyes and stepped into the tub not realizing the water hadn't really warmed up yet. The cold water was shocking causing her to instantly tense up and slip on the unprotected bath floor right into the wall of the tub with her big toe. She gasped at the pain in her toe and cursed under her breath but her attention was far more warranted on the temperature of the water. She quickly maneuvered herself around and turned the hot water higher. It quickly obliged and she was finally able to shower in piece.

"Mom!" a familiar voice called from outside the bathroom door. "Hurry up, I gotta pee!"

She sighed heavily and quickly tried finish shaving the leg she started. She didn't even notice the nick at her ankle that was bleeding rather heavily, nor did she notice the nick just below her knee cap that would certainly reopen a few times since it was right in the bendable part of her knee.

She quickly grabbed a towel and stepped out onto the tiled floor not remembering that she had thrown the bath mat in the wash the day before because her husband stood on it with his boots on after coming in from the snowy, muddy mess outside. She slipped and banged the same big toe that was just battered in the shower into the wall. Sucking in air and holding it while she cussed heavily under her breath, she realized how close she'd come to falling all together and hitting her head on the toilet. So she calmed herself, rubbed her throbbing toe and just gave thanks that she didn't bite the big one.

Once she made it into the bedroom, she got herself dressed and opened the door to head down the hall when she bumped into her husband who was there with a cup of coffee.......which she was now wearing all down the front of her shirt. She jumped at the scolding heat from the coffee, then hurried to strip the hot shirt off and dry herself with the towel she'd just thrown in the hamper.

"Oh my gosh! I'm so sorry, honey." her husband said helping her clean off. "Are you okay?" he asked for the second time since they'd awoke.

"Yes, I'm fine." she said smiling and pulling on a new shirt over her now reddened skin.

They finally made their way down the hall. Her husband set off to the kitchen to make her another cup of coffee when suddenly, the dog came barreling into the room and jumped on her in a happy "Good morning" kind of way, wagging his tail and licking her face.

"Get off me, you cow!" she laughed trying to get the burly dog off of her. Not wanting to get down, he resisted and dragged his overgrown claws down her entire body till he finally made it back to the floor were he gave up and headed for his food bowl.

"Mom, I'm hungry."

She headed for the kitchen and began preparing breakfast. With her husband walking back and forth preparing his now second cup of coffee, and with her son wandering around the kitchen to see what she was making him, she didn't even realize the dog had decided to lay down right behind her feet. She quickly turned to return the milk to the fridge and tripped over the big dog who didn't even budge as she careened to the floor, milk and all. It was only when he saw the free milky treat on the floor that he got up to clean the mess walking over her in the process.

"Oh my god, honey!" her husband clambered to pick her up. As he got her up, the look on her face was priceless. She had the Elvis lip lifted and her face was dripping with milk. She limped her way to the nearest wall having twisted her ankle on her way down. Her chin felt fat and she had squished a boob pretty badly on the floor when the dog walked over her.

"Hon...ney?" The word was as broken as her breath. She was pretty sure her lung had been squished under the same step of that damn dog.

"Yes?" he asked in a mildly panicked tone, looking at her as if she was going to ask him to call an ambulance.

"I think......*coughs*....I know what happened." she finished adjusting herself with a foot raised against the wall.

"What? What happened, when?" he looked confused.

"How I got all the bruises." she looked at him annoyed. "It was marriage." she laughed. "Marriage happened."



I must say, that this is just a made up snippet I decided to do that reflects my life rather well. I'm just trying my hand at a little bit of comedy. What did you think? :)

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